We live in sunny southern California, and in the land of celebrities, no one is more famous than Batman in Santa Monica, Venice, shoot I bet he could go to the club and pull more chicks than Clive Owen. In all seriousness, girls that never associate with normal guys were trying chat him up, I swear all he had to say was “lets hang out” and I’m sure he’d have 50 dates from one Saturday afternoon. So what I’m trying to say here is, if you like dogs then you already know the power of your faithful friend, if not, I just want to reaffirm that there is indeed a direct proportion to girls that will date you to the coolness of being a dog owner.

Once again I want to say again, if you get a dog just to get girls, you are a bad person. Ok, I’m done chastising. However, I just thought someone should reaffirm this myth from time to time.

Most guys don’t really pay attention to their dress shoes. They buy a pair of Kenneth Coles and call it good, ooh the travesty. My friends little do we know that a good pair of dress shoes can make all the difference, separate you from getting the date and getting the shaft. So here are three quick tips to keep those shoes in shape once you buy them, because a pair of $400 shoes can still look $15 if you don’t take care of them.

Tip #1 - Buy Shoe Trees

This is thee most important rule of taking care of your shoes. A pair of cedar shoe trees (you can buy them for about $20 at Nordstrom) will extend the life of your shoes by about a year easily, assuming you don’t run marathons in them. The cedar eliminates the odor as well as helps keep the shape of the shoe. Make sure to buy a pair of shoe trees and use them every night after work.

Tip #2 - Get your Shoes Shined

You know that shoe shiner you pass on the way to work that is asking if you want your shoes shined? Yeah, stop at least once a week to get your dogs taken care of. This extends the polish and makes sure that your shoes look as good as new. A $400 shoe with dirt on it is just a dirty shoe.

Tip #3 - Dust is Your Enemy

If you can put your dress shoes in a box to avoid the collection of dust that will inevitable get on them. This keeps the inside of your shoe clean and therefore your socks clean.

So there we are, the most important tips for keeping your dress shoes clean and looking good.

1. Stop obsessing over Apple - See that girl over there at the bar? Yeah, she doesn’t care about how to jailbreak an iPhone, the cool new applications you have on your iPod, and least of all she doesn’t care about your Macbook workflows. Nope she’s not impressed, fathom that a girl isn’t into Apple technical jargon. Just because iPods are cool and the iPhone is the best thing since sliced bread doesn’t mean that it’s cool to talk about. Remember most people just use their iPods to listen to music, and their iPhone to look at pictures and make phone calls. And please, for the love, don’t show off your iPhone, things aren’t cool when everyone has one. Trust me you aren’t the only one that can use coverflow and zoom in and out of maps.

2. Take your Php and MySql Book to the Gym - Look I realize that our lives can revolve around the computer but normal people don’t realize that we are glued to our desk. That means you got to get in shape, and that all starts with going to the gym. So my recommendation is stop eating them chicken fingers, and get on the elliptical machine. Bring your favorite Ajax book and just start moving those legs. Burn, baby, burn.! I personally shed 10 lbs on the elliptical machine reading a sci-fi book. Now if that doesn’t qualify me as a Type 1 nerd I don’t know what does.

Note: Traineo is a cool Web 2.0 fitness and health application that will help track your weight, eating habits, and exercise routine.

3. Facebook is a Social Network - Yes Facebook is cool, but please refrain from the impact that it will have on everyone’s life, when in the middle of a conversation with a girl. Once again normal people/girls use Facebook to talk to their friends and keep in touch, they don’t see it as an opportunity to launch a cool new widget. Start talking about Facebook flyers and social ads and I can GUARANTEE that you won’t get a date. Which brings me to Tip number 4.

4. Don’t talk about Star Wars - If you wear a cape and have made your own light saber I’m sorry I can’t help you. You’re have more of a chance of finding your Princess Leah than this article helping you find a date. For everyone else that liked Star Wars, remember, and this is key, that it is a MOVIE. No quoting word for word, no light saber air play. I mean have you seen that guy doing light saber movements in the band room, that’s like premeditated social suicide. If you like Star Wars, all I’m asking you to do is wait to talk about it until after she’s your girlfriend, then she’s stuck. Hey you might even get her to dress up like Princess Leah one day, but I digress…

5. Don’t Brag about your Technical Genius - I know this one is hard, but your depth of knowledge about html, css style sheets, and servers are not exactly conversation starters. They are, believe it or not, the easiest ways to stifle a perfectly great conversation. I know as guys, and techie guys at that, we like to prove our gadgeteer prowess, but it’s a huge turn off for girls. Actually bragging in general is a huge turn off. If you really must show her that you are the bomb when it comes to all things IT, then go to her house and teach her how to troubleshoot her wireless network. Trust me, all of sudden you go from technical geek to handy man in one fell swoop. By the way this is the only time it is acceptable to utter the words “Router”, “WEP Password”, and “Cable Modem” in normal conversation.

6. Shave - I know you are a programmer, facial hair is part of your identity. Blah, blah, blah. If your scruff defines you then you have more problems than I can help you with. If you take a poll of women you’ll find out that clean cut and clean shaven is what 99% of women like. You aren’t Brad Pitt you can’t pull the rugged thing off, I know it’s a harsh reality, live with it. Plus food and coffee gets stuck in your facial hair, and that’s a deal breaker for girls.

7. Stop drinking Diet Mountain Dew - Yeah, I know this one is tough, and I know it’s the lifeblood of any programmer, but you gotta do what you gotta do. This isn’t so much dating advice as health advice, that stuff is bad for you. Plus for some reason my girlfriend said it’s not sexy, so I thought I’d add it.

Disclaimer: I still drink Diet Mountain Dew

8. Don’t tell her about your Website yet - Chances are you’ve said something incredible dumb and offensive on your blog, and you want to put your best foot forward, remember. In addition, sadly your blog is not as popular as you might think. The $2.50 you make from Adsense is not impressive. If you’re a great web designer then by all means feel free to drop your site’s name in the conversation, just don’t make it forced. Remember the rule about no bragging…

9. Use your Programming Genius for Good - If you have any web skills at all you can make a rose open or a create a slideshow of a rose blooming. It’s nerdy yet romantic at the same time. Nothing will endear you to her heart faster than something so simple yet so sweet. That is just an example of what you can do. Be careful with this tip though, don’t blow it early on and create a whole website for her, complete with domain name. Remember simple and sweet, not scary and over the top. If it takes you more than 2.5 hours it’s too much.

Sidenote: I just thought of that rose idea, sadly it looks like I can’t do it for my girlfriend as she’s probably reading this as we speak.

10. Dating is not something you can learn from a book or a blog post - Dating is something that is meant to be fun, to learn by trial and error. There is no magical formula, no perfect one-liner, no process so to speak. You don’t always call the girl on day 2, you don’t always have to meet at a coffee shop, it’s all based on rhythm and flow my friend. So take heart, pack your lunch pail, and have fun with it man, it’s not meant to be stressful. I’m not asking you to hide yourself or things about yourself, all I’m advising you to do is be focused on her. If you focus on her, listen to her, and are genuinely interested in her life, wishes, and aspirations things will fall into place. If you focus on you, you, you, then in the end you will have you, you, and only you. Lastly if you’re feeling down after this post keep your chin up, if I can have a great girl (and I do have a wonderful, wonderful lady) then trust me you can too, because I’m a total nerd.

Peace all,

The Retired Bachelor

Shoes are the final piece to whatever you are wearing, and oftentimes can totally destroy what you have decided to wear on the date. Maybe you went out and bought a nice pair of jeans, got a new striped shirt, and picked out a new watch. All things I would commend you on, however you decided that your current black shoes are good to go. Owww, fatal error, black my friends does not go with a brown shirt. Whoops, your bad. Also check your black belt at the door too. She will notice these things, and they will effect her. Ok so maybe they won’t be a deal breaker, but a pair of nice matching shoes and a belt will take you from average joe to a very well-dressed and well-kept man. Trust me you want to be in this stratosphere, it’s nice to be there.

Some helpful hints:

Sneakers are good, and are definitely “in” right now - I’m not talking about your ordinary nike air sneakers with the air bubble all over the place (see Nike Airmax 360s, those are a big no no), I’m talking about some hip new Onitsuka Tiger’s or some Nike Dunks. Nothing says boring or nerd like Nike’s with big air bubbles or some wierd designer diesels. So note to self, buy a pair of cool sneakers, they’ll go with your jeans and show you aren’t just a main stream follower. Originality with style is good.

Shine your shoes - Just do it. Go get a nice brush, some shoe polish, and while you’re at it go buy some shoe trees as well. This will brighten up your shoes, make them last longer, and they won’t look like they have been worn at work for 8 hours a day for the past 5 years.

Black and Brown Shoes, Get Them - Nuff said’. Black and brown and two distinct colors, treat them as such.

Don’t go Shoe Shopping Alone - Take someone that you consider to have good style. You’re going to be making an investment here, might as well get a second opinion. This will at least save you from buying those really cool slip on Kenneth Cole shoes I know you were thinking were tight.

That’s all for now. Good night and good things.

Your classroom is set up in the infamous “Horseshoe” configuration and darn it if you didn’t get the best seat in the house. Directly opposite of your crush. So what do you do? At this age you don’t know how to pick up girls, shoot you barely know how to read, so you act totally on instinct. (Note: you will notice the similarities in picking up a girl in 3rd grade vs. picking one up when you are in your mid-20’s, they are eerily alike..). All you really want is for her to go steady with you. So let’s go through a typical day….

8am - School Starts
Get to class.

10:15 Recess

Ok now is your time to shine. You are the first in line for 4 square so you get to start serving, and if you know anything about 4 square you know that if you are serving you got all the advantages. You can drop all types of tricky stuff, twistees, cherry bombs, the works. So just as your dream girl is walking by (or waiting in line because girls played 4 square too) you drop the craziest twistee you’ve ever done. You’re thinking if that doesn’t impress her then nothing will. She seems unfazed. Hmmmm….so then as the game goes on, you find the perfect opportunity for a…CHERRY BOMB! Still nothing, does this girl not understand the importance and sheer athletic ability you just displayed. I guess not…You are puzzled but trudge on like a true soldja, because even though you are wearing a old wool grey sweater, you know was a hand-me-down from your girl cousin, you are still no limit.

Hmm… a little similiar to 20-something-year-old guys playing extra hard during a pickup football or basketball game when girls are watching. A game that means absolutely nothing, yet you’re going all out, and can be caught swearing and getting all intense.

11:00 Head’s up Seven Up and Hang man

So seeing as your athletic prowess did not grant you favor with your lady, rather gal, maybe she is one for the intellectual type. So during Heads up Seven up you win the whole darn thing. I mean take the cake, then in Hang man, who solves the answer. Yep, you’re the one that got it, true the word was B-U-I-L-D-I-N-G, but you raised your hand the fastest. Hmm..still she is unfazed by your works of athleticism and intellect, it baffles the 3rd grade mind.

Once again…does this not sound like a 20 something year old guy trying to sound extra smart, talking about his major, ivy league school, or politics….btw those guys are super annoying. My favourite move to preempt this, is to say (right when they start talking about how smart they), “Wow you’re really really smart, I’m having a hard time keeping up with what you are saying.” That shuts the cocky tard up right away.

Lunch

So this is like the one time during the week that your Mom lets you get Hot Lunch, instead of your typical brown bag, bologne sandwich, celery and peanut butter, and juice box. (I am in no way bitter though bc Mom’s made the best lunches). But Hot lunch was hot lunch, and nothing beat the gravy, turkey, and cherry sauce. So in a gesture of incredible gratitude and selflessness you offer your chocolate milk to the fair lady. She declines, thank the Lord, bc you didn’t know what you would do if she took it, you’d probably die of thirst. Plus chocolate milk is super good.

Does this situation ring a bell, well it should. So this time you’re 20 something and your in a lounge/club and you see a girl you would like to talk to, so what do you do? You offer to buy her a drink…..

Break here…

I would continue with this post but it is getting pretty late so we’ll have to revist this at a later date..but I trust that you an start to see that whether you are in 3rd grade or are 23 the game doesn’t change. Or maybe more specifically we as males don’t evolve, and still try to use the same old tricks. Dang, that’s kind of sad.