The Apartment…For the Love…Clean it please
Perhaps the most underrated aspect of all, cleanliness is often ignored at the times of greatest importance. Remember when dating your mantra is, “Do not play to win, play not to lose”, this rule applies to cleanliness as well. Let’s give us a sample scenerio.
So Joe is taking Jane on their 3rd date. They just got dinner and he’s going to take her back to his place, perhaps for a cup of coffee and cake or something. So before the date, he really had no intention of inviting her in, but the date went so well so he decided to go with it, unfortunately he did not clean. There is laundry astrew, dishes piled up, his bed is not made, and lets not even talk about the bathroom. To Joe his place isn’t that bad, unfortunately his cleaning standards are not the same as Jane’s, or really any of the female gender. You can tell by the way Jane is walking around and sitting that the mess makes her feel out of sorts, and that the date that was going oh-so-well has taken a turn for the worse.
Moral of the Story, if you even have the slightest inkling that a girl that you take on a date MIGHT come over, clean your place. And i’m not talking pick up the laundry off the ground and put it in the hamper. I’m not even talking swiffer. I’m talking get those rubber gloves out and clean that toilet bowl yo!
Ok so now that the table is set, let’s go through the common mistakes in cleanliness from the Guy’s Point of View and from the Girls Point of View.
Guy’s Point of View
For all the girls out there that have a place to themselves, this if for ya’ll. As a guy when I walk into a girl’s apartment hopefully I see that she is cleaner than me, because if that’s not the case we got huge issues. Assuming she is half way clean I’m ok, but I do make a quick little inspection unbeknownst to her.
1. The kitchen - I’m looking for cooking supplies and looking at the sink. If she keeps a well kept sink and there are dishes that is good. One because that means she cooks, because their are actual dishes in the rack, two a clean sink means she doesn’t let stuff sit out for a long time. Mold in the sink - I’m going home, that my friends is a deal breaker. Seriously, mold, for the love. And the fridge, as long as there is actual groceries its all good, however if I see more styrofoam and take out boxes than actual stuff, once again red flags all up in that house.
2. Bedroom - assuming she lets you even close to this room, it’s probably clean. But if you do get a good look, look for the laundry. This is key, why you ask, because any girl that is cool with her undies all strewn about the room ain’t a girl that’s going to be clean. A sidenote about underwear, just because you got your granny panties from Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make them sexy. As I am writing this I’m pretty sure once my gf reads this she is going to stock up on white oversized grannies. Secondly look for a made bed, that’s a good sign. Thankfully my gf is exponentially cleaner than I am, if only I could tell you the stories. However if you’ve ever met me, you’ll notice that I’m constantly washing my hands. I did not always have this compulsion but after constant “encouragement” I have developed this interesting habit.
3. Bathroom - this is my personal favourite, especially if they are not expecting you over and have no time to prepare. If you’ve ever been to a girl’s apartment everything in the whole apt could be spotless but darn it if that bathroom isn’t a whirlwind of tampons, hair supplies, makeup, and all sorts of facial products. So as you enter, here are the red flags:
a. Hair. My gosh what is with girls, they shed like little animals. Check the sink - yep the drains clogged. Check the floor - yep, if you look there is enough hair on the ground to make a chia pet. And obviously check the shower. Is there hair on the sides of the wall? If there is, get the heck out, because that is staight up nasty. What possesses a girl to stick hair on the wall? Maybe it’s passed on from mother to daughter, generation to generation. I’ll tell you, when I have a daughter that’s all going to change.
b. Products. The sheer volume of products on the sink. Why should you pay attention to this? Because if anything serious ever develops between you and her, you can expect exactly 1/3 of those products to be sitting on your sink. Your sink which is typically only accustomed to holding a tooth brush, razor, and toothpaste will now be accompanied by facial wash, lotion - both hand and face, foundation, eye liner, a compact mirror, and the list goes on. She will dominate, and I repeat DOMINATE your bathroom.
and now we move to the…
Girl’s Point of View
Now because I do not wish to write an entire novel, which I could on what girl notices, I will do my best to condense. Fellas when she walks into your apartment you better be ready to be judged, and it will not be pretty.
1. Laundry - get all the clothes in a hamper and cover the darn thing for goodness sakes. If there is clothes on your bed couch, whatever, you might as well tell her that you are a complete slob.
2. Dishes - your sink better be spotless. I’m talking clean that junk out of the sink, scrub that guy till that stainless steel shines. Of for the poorer folk, that nasty white porcelain stuff. I recommend the “Method” brand, it’s very nice smelling and it’s kind of stylish.
3. Kitchen - mop the floor. not with the swiffer, with a real mop. unfortunately guys shed too, as most girls can attest too. We shed all types of “different” hair and you gotta, and i mean you gotta, find and exterminate all of that shedding. Nothing grosses her out like “shedding”. There are soo many things in the kitchen, but points to remember wash the dishes, mop the floor, and clean the counters. Oh, and often forgotten clean the oven tops. If you’re like me you “cook” a lot of soup, ok boil soup, and it spills, clean that stuff up.
4. Bedroom - don’t let her in there. this is your safehaven.
5. Bathroom - I’m sorry fellas but you WILL fail here. The goal is not to impress her, it is just not to repulse her. If she hangs out at your house for over 2 hours and does not need to use the bathroom, it’s because your bathroom is unexceptable for feminine poo/pee uses. However on the flip side if she’s used your bathroom over 2x, job well done my friend, I applaud you. The following are red flags:
a. Towels - wash them before she comes over, because most likely they stink like mildew. Secondly you may not even own hand towels, but she’s going to wash her hands at some point in the night and what is she going to dry them on. Please dont’ tell me toilet paper, that’s right buy one hand towel.
b. Toilet paper - just have it readily available and extras in plain view. Nothing worse or embarrassing for her when she runs out of TP and she can’t find any extras. Actually that’s kind of funny, but point is that just means she’ll rummage through your bathroom and that’s bad news.
c. Sink - minimalist my friend minimalist. Don’t be having your Strident Zit cleaner pads in plain view, remember as far as she’s concerned you have perfectly natural skin. Secondly clean the sink, your shavings from earlier in the day are NOT sexy.
d. Tub - why you ask is she looking at your shower. Quite simple because she can. Like all things, scrub and make smell good. I recommend this spray it’s so awesome. You just spray it on and rinse it later, it does all the work.
Ok, I’m officially tired now. It’s past midnight and unfortunately like everyone else I have one of those 9 to 5 things that pays the bills.
Next Post…I promise it’ll be When Should I Call for real this time.
Retired Bachelor @ October 11, 2007