The Chase…Unleaded, Unleaded Plus, and Super Unleaded…prepare yourself!
In this chapter we will discuss “The Chase” and pursuit of a chosen girl, and what better way to understand this mating dance then through the machinations of a Car Chase. So in the sections to come I will describe a car chase scene and different per-chase situations. To do this we must first describe the current state, it is as follows:
The Current State - You own a Toyota Tercel and she owns a Jetta GTI, and your Tercel is from 84′.
I’m sorry that this is the state you are at, but the Toyota Tercel represents a guy that has kind of been out of the dating loop, is not the quickest, and is definitely not at his prime. Maybe he is out of shape, most likely, maybe he has jacked up haircut, and maybe just maybe he hasn’t really pushed his Tercel past 40mph lately (hasn’t talked to a girl in a while). Shoot your Tercel probably has a fading paint job, you know the kind where you aren’t sure if the original color was blue or green, and now it’s in a state of that gross algae color. If you’ve been single or not dating for 6 months or over, you most definitely are in the Tercel state.
The girl owns a Jetta GTI and she’s speeding along the highway, maybe it’s red if she’s high maintence, blue if she is way chill, or white if she’s an ice princess, etc. But regardless her car is definitely faster than yours and not by a little.
The Pre-Chase: Preparing for “The Chase”
So you’re thinking thinking thinking, how do I catch her. Well my friends I have the answer for you! You need to soup up your sorry Tercel! Intake, exhaust, some nitro maybe, definitely a spoiler, and for looks sake a new paintjob and some rims. This is the most common mistake guys make, they try to catch her in the Jetta without souping their Tercel. And too often they come within maybe 10 car lengths of the Jetta until she spots you in her rearview, hits the accelerator, and you’ve lost her for good. So let’s do some translating:
Gas - This is huge because this is fundamental to your car running efficiently and running period. This translates to the core, your physical shape. That’s right you gotta work out and work out hard. You start at ARCO unleaded with your gas tire abs and work work work out until you’re abs are looking like 6-pack and your chest is beefy. You are one lean machine. This is when you have super unleaded running through your body. Your confidence is up and your Tercel feels the good gas through it’s system. Nothing is going to slow this Tercel up, and so now you have the right base to start from. So before anything else get in shape and arm your Tercel with some good Super Unleaded with Techron.
Intake/Exhaust - So now you need to up your horsepower as well so since you can’t change your engine (this is just who you are) this is the quickest way to gain some speed. The intake and exhaust translate to a haircut and learning some talent. The haircut is self explanatory but the talent is not. What I mean by this is you need more than just your Tercel you need something inate but just more of. So maybe you play the guitar, are good at photography, can dance, whatever. You need to channel this at the right time and show off this huge postitive. Just like an exhaust and intake gives you some speed, a talent will give you staying power at the right times.
Rims - You gotta have rims buddy even if you drive a Tercel. The rims represent classiness and manners. Your current stock hubcap, wrong utensil holding, no napkin using, chewing with your mouth open, don’t open door sorry ass needs to get some rims. Learn from your Mom, that’s one of the main reasons that she is there for. Ask a friend that owns a Jetta too, she’ll give you the DL.
Paintjob - Get some new clothes, your Eddie Bauer, old Gap sweatshirt, warmup wearing, Starter Jacket fashion mistake ass needs to hit the mall. Picture this, you have the right gas in your Tercel, you have the haircut and the spinning rims and are neck and neck with the her in her Jetta and then she is blinded by your algae colored paintjob. It causes her to get dizzy and she stops as you pass her by. So hit the mall so your stunning silver Tercel is straight up flossing when you catch up with her.
I could go on forever with how to spiff up your Tercel but we must get to “The Chase”
The Chase
So your Tercel is finally ready to hit the road, it seems like it has been months of preparation, and it has, but you are ready. So you hit the highway and there she is on the 280 going 70mph. You don’t sweat it though as you pick up speed to catch up to her, thank the Lord you got the new exhaust as you can tell you are going to need everything your Tercel can give you today. This car chase scene is equivalent to the pursuit of a girl over a few weeks. So as you pick up speed to catch her this is the same as going on a few dates. You are closing in, and your heart is skipping beats when…
HOLY CRAP two HUGE minivans rush to the lanes beside the little Jetta and block you from view completely. This symbolizes her two best hateful single girlfriends protecting her, telling her that you are not right that you are not good enough for her. They are hateful but you must learn to outmanuever them, that is your only hope as they are absolutely HUGE and forbidding. You rack your brain, as right now she has not answered your calls as quickly, seems to be just a tad slower on the text messages, and isn’t seemingly as open as before. hmm. These minivans are awfully ugly and seem to just have a glare about them, symbolizing her selfish single girl friends that want everyone to be single and hate all Tercels. Perhaps a Tercel caught them once and then chased after another Jetta, perhaps they have never seen a Tercel in their rearview mirror you just don’t know. hmm what to do, what to do….?
So as you are about to give up the chase and turn around, the minivans part and let a little green civic through to the Jetta. The little green civic represents a true friend that wants the little Jetta to be happy. Maybe the little civic has found her Tercel already, maybe she is just a nice environmentally friendly civic you don’t know, all you know is this is your chance. So as the civic slowly leaves the Jetta’s side you speed up next to the green ray of hope. You converse and the girl in the civic gives you an idea, she says what you need to do is go on the wrong side of the road and and get in front of the Jetta while she distracts the minivans. This is when the ally girl friend that you have speaks highly of you to the group. You are thinking my Tercel is going faster than it’s ever gone before and the wrong side of the road whoa! What the wrong side of the road symbolizes is the differentiator that you offer. Maybe you are sweet, maybe you take her on a incredible date, maybe you just click. Anyhow that only leaves the extra speed, but you’ve got that solved as well. You put Nitro in your Tercel just for this moment. The Nitro symbolized the feelings you have for her and what you will do. If you are willing to go the extra mile and do what it takes then you’ve enough Nitro, if not, you fail and your Nitro runs out. But in this case you have the juice as you speed ahead…
You’ve expertly slid by her side, btw it takes skill to manuever like this…much practice is needed, so now you’ve finally caught her. And man did she play hard to get. Sometimes you catch her in 15 minutes sometimes you are halfway to LA before you even get close it all depends on what type of Jetta she is driving and how expertly she wields her car.
After the Chase…some thoughts
So now as you cruise next to her this symbolizes your relationship. So after you’ve been driving alongside her for awhile you and her decide you know what, maybe it’s time to trade in the Jetta and Tercel for a nice family car, an Accord. This of course symbolizes engagement and marriage. So now you only have one car and it’s a family car for 5. Perhaps a car seat is in the cards next….
I could continue much longer with our analogy but ya’ll must be tired of reading now so I’ll be finished.
good things and good night~
Retired Bachelor @ September 18, 2007