The Grade School Pick Up
So you’re in 3rd grade and you just got off the yellow bus. It’s freezing so your Mom hooked you up with some mittens (at this age, everyone wears mittens, your Dad wears gloves, you wear mittens), a puffy jacket (because for some reason back in the day is was cool to wear Starter jackets) and a little hat. So you finally get to school, find your seat, and already you’re sweating because you’re so hot from being in your poofy jacket. And now is not a good time to be sweating…why you ask, because Miss (insert your own grade school crush’s name here) is sitting across from you. She’s definitely a cutie, sporting those stockings and that fashionable Christmas holiday red sweater. It is sufficient to say that she is the bomb.
Your classroom is set up in the infamous “Horseshoe” configuration and darn it if you didn’t get the best seat in the house. Directly opposite of your crush. So what do you do? At this age you don’t know how to pick up girls, shoot you barely know how to read, so you act totally on instinct. (Note: you will notice the similarities in picking up a girl in 3rd grade vs. picking one up when you are in your mid-20’s, they are eerily alike..). All you really want is for her to go steady with you. So let’s go through a typical day….
8am - School Starts
Get to class.
10:15 Recess
Ok now is your time to shine. You are the first in line for 4 square so you get to start serving, and if you know anything about 4 square you know that if you are serving you got all the advantages. You can drop all types of tricky stuff, twistees, cherry bombs, the works. So just as your dream girl is walking by (or waiting in line because girls played 4 square too) you drop the craziest twistee you’ve ever done. You’re thinking if that doesn’t impress her then nothing will. She seems unfazed. Hmmmm….so then as the game goes on, you find the perfect opportunity for a…CHERRY BOMB! Still nothing, does this girl not understand the importance and sheer athletic ability you just displayed. I guess not…You are puzzled but trudge on like a true soldja, because even though you are wearing a old wool grey sweater, you know was a hand-me-down from your girl cousin, you are still no limit.
Hmm… a little similiar to 20-something-year-old guys playing extra hard during a pickup football or basketball game when girls are watching. A game that means absolutely nothing, yet you’re going all out, and can be caught swearing and getting all intense.
11:00 Head’s up Seven Up and Hang man
So seeing as your athletic prowess did not grant you favor with your lady, rather gal, maybe she is one for the intellectual type. So during Heads up Seven up you win the whole darn thing. I mean take the cake, then in Hang man, who solves the answer. Yep, you’re the one that got it, true the word was B-U-I-L-D-I-N-G, but you raised your hand the fastest. Hmm..still she is unfazed by your works of athleticism and intellect, it baffles the 3rd grade mind.
Once again…does this not sound like a 20 something year old guy trying to sound extra smart, talking about his major, ivy league school, or politics….btw those guys are super annoying. My favourite move to preempt this, is to say (right when they start talking about how smart they), “Wow you’re really really smart, I’m having a hard time keeping up with what you are saying.” That shuts the cocky tard up right away.
Lunch
So this is like the one time during the week that your Mom lets you get Hot Lunch, instead of your typical brown bag, bologne sandwich, celery and peanut butter, and juice box. (I am in no way bitter though bc Mom’s made the best lunches). But Hot lunch was hot lunch, and nothing beat the gravy, turkey, and cherry sauce. So in a gesture of incredible gratitude and selflessness you offer your chocolate milk to the fair lady. She declines, thank the Lord, bc you didn’t know what you would do if she took it, you’d probably die of thirst. Plus chocolate milk is super good.
Does this situation ring a bell, well it should. So this time you’re 20 something and your in a lounge/club and you see a girl you would like to talk to, so what do you do? You offer to buy her a drink…..
Break here…
I would continue with this post but it is getting pretty late so we’ll have to revist this at a later date..but I trust that you an start to see that whether you are in 3rd grade or are 23 the game doesn’t change. Or maybe more specifically we as males don’t evolve, and still try to use the same old tricks. Dang, that’s kind of sad.
Retired Bachelor @ October 18, 2007